He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?