My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.