Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
You Might Also Like
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face