More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
You Might Also Like
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows