I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My time has come.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
No. He’s not coming out to play
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.