A roof is a house hat.
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If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
wait.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.