“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
No. YOU-buprofen.