My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
reduce, reuse, recycle
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.