“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Modded the new Gran Turismo
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?