I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
You Might Also Like
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.