My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Breaking news:
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.