I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Storm Tropical Storm
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.