E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me recordaron éste meme
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.