My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?