I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.