The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Google assistant rules
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
j o i m p
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’m not stressed
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.