*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up