I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
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Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Yup!
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.