It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
*me flirting
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.