“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“TGIM!” – My liver
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other