Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.