Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Always the camel, never the toe.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS