Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
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murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
😬
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?