We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.