You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
*cough*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.