I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.