Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work