brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
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Easy enough.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
🤣🤣🤣
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?