My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
23. the denim jacket
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.