[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
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Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.