*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
thanks auntie mary
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.