I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing