ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
lmao
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.