WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Oh we’ve met.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series