Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?