him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.