I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
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The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…