Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you