Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.