Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Our lord and savoury.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.