Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow: