wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it