Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
This could’ve been an email.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*