*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
same bro
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.