Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Friends that check up on you >
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”