Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.