Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
This is true.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*