me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
You Might Also Like
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The Backseat Boys
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I falcon love using swear birds
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-