After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure