I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
what’s more important?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??